If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It was a blind-side dick pic.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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