im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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