I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
