Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
