Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
