u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
