I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
they need to just BURY HIM!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
