So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
