Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
