After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
