He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
