I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
