The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
