This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
