my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
