...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
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I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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