the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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