Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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