is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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