Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
