it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
