I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
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was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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