Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
