I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
