Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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