Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
