I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Reggie can tackle my bush.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
