I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
