help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
