shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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