then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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