you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
