i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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