I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
