hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
