He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
