Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
