Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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