I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize