New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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