Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
