ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
