hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
