This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
