I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
