Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
