we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
