he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
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We left an ass print on the piano.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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