please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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