Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
