So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
